Thief

There is a thief in my building. I first suspected this was the case several months ago when a package from amazon.com never arrived even though the tracking order said it was signed for. I assumed it was my landlady, but she isn't the type to steal. She said she never saw it and I believed her. It wasn't such a big deal because I spoke with the representatives at amazon and they quickly sent me a replacement order. I convinced myself the package just got lost and didn't think on it again. Then about a month ago a friend sent me a package. I was out of town when it arrived. When I got home from my trip, there was my package, sitting in the hallway ripped open. Thankfully all its contents were still there . The next day I received a message on my phone from Landlady which very nearly brought me to tears. The message said, " Jenny, this is Landlady. There is a package downstairs for you (not true because I had it in my possesion at the time of the message) and it has been sitting there for about 10 days (also not true as I was only out of town for 6 days and I know the package was sent only 4 days prior) . Well, it looks like someone got a little too goddamn nosey and opened it up. I don't know who it was who couldn't mind their own damn business, but you better come get it." Keep in mind, Landlady is about 70. She curses like a sailor and enjoys every minute of it. There was extreme emphasis on the "goddamn" of that message.
Back to the theft. Yesterday I walk into the elevator to find this note attached to the door. Apparently someone had stolen Landlady's package. There are several parts of this letter I would like to draw your attention to.
1. "...I hope you enjoy it knowing you are a cheap thief." Somehow I don't know that this letter is going to appeal to the thief's conscience, seeing as the thief steals 70 year old lady's medications.
2. " What you don't know is that someone was coming down the stairs. They can identify you." This is clearly not true. Once, in middle school, some friends and I got into a mud fight inside the school. Pretty much there was mud everywhere. We tried to clean it up but were unsuccessful. The next day the principal talked to all the students and said they know who it was and the punishment wouldn't be so harsh if we confessed. Of course we confessed and of course they really had no clue it had been us. If they'd known, they would have pulled us from class. This is the same tactic Landlady is using, though I doubt the thief is a 6th grader. And even still, there are no stairs by the location where the mail is left. Therefore, no one could have possibly seen who took the package while coming down the stairs. Plus, if Landlady knew, she certainly wouldn't be wasting her time writing a letter for the apartment building to read. It's just not her style.
3. "I will find out who you are and I will confront you." This sentence terrifies me. It almost makes me feel sorry for the thief. I love Landlady. We have come to a mutual understanding of one another and I've come to really enjoy her abrasiveness and forthright nature. However I wouldn't want to piss her off. I have seen her go off, and it ain't pretty. She is a tough old broad and while she looks frail, I am sure she would have no qualms about filling her purse with exploding rocks and then hit you with it, while with the other hand spray your face with flesh-eating bacteria laced mace. If she actually ever finds the thief, I fear for his life.
4. "Hopefully your luck with turn to crap." This is just funny.

So, hopefully the thief will return Landlady's package and the theft will stop. If not, I am certainly looking forward to more postings in the elevator.

**UPDATE**
I spoke with Landlady when I returned home today. The note was not in the elevator this morning, so I asked her if she got her package back. She said, "No, but it's proven now that the thief is in the building. They took the sign down." She has her suspicions as to who did it, but as I suggested, the part about someone witnessing this act was not true. I told her I hoped no more packages would be stolen and she said, "No. This was targeted at me. I have enemies in this building. I'll be honest with you, there are some people here that I treat like shit, but it's only because they treat me like shit first. " Oh, also, as I was leaving another tenant got in on the conversation. She asked what was in the package. Landlady got a sheepish grin on her face and said, "a cartoon of cigarettes from New York. They are way cheaper there than in Chicago." And here I thought she was really suffering without her medications.