Mon-ca

My old friend Monica came into town Tuesday and I was able to spend a few meals with her. She is moving west to live with her lover and I think she is very excited. We had dinner at her favorite Mexican restaurant were she got me intoxicated. I know that I have a low tolerance for alcohol, and my eyes were crossing after half of the first margarita, but that didn't stop me from ordering a second one. It was delicious.
So as happens with old friends, we spent some time thinking back on the good old days. I just wanted to share some of my fond memories of Monica, some talked about, some not.
Her baboon imitation.
This is easily the funniest thing I have ever seen Monica do. I only saw it once, but it is still ingrained in my memory as an uncharacteristic, and therefore hilarious, explosion of silliness. We were in 8th grade on the class trip to Washington, DC. We were in a hotel room together. These were the days before illicit alcohol consumption was the point of every class trip and the giggles weren't followed by puking, hair holding and hangovers. The rest of the story speaks for itself. Monica jumped around the room making baboon noises and walking around on her knuckles turned inward. Each baboon call she made left the rest of us on the floor in hysterics. It was wonderful.
Her Answering Machine Messages.
Monica has this silly way of talking when she gets nervous. She stops enunciating and lets the last part of her words drop off. I don't want to offend her by saying it sounds Valley Girlish, though that is the closest description. She doesn't talk like this all the time. Usually she is very articulate. It is only when she is nervous. She would leave messages on my parent's answering machine that went something like this, "hi Jenny, this is Mon-ca, can you ...muttered jumble of words...bye." I would come home from softball practice and my father, in his Chilean accent would say, "Mon-ca called. Mon-ca. It's Mon-ca. ..I have no idea what she wanted." To this day when I tell my parents I am going to see Monica they say, " Ooooh Mon-ca!"
Videos
One of our favorite pastimes as middle schoolers was to go to someone's house (usually Lindsay's) and make videos of ourselves. We made little plays and dance videos. There were two in which Monica's performance really stands out. The first was one where she was imitating her brother. He was dating Lindsay's sister at the time, so with me filming, Lindsay and Monica imitated their relationship. We were in about 5th or 6th grade. There is one part where Monica (playing her brother) says something to the effect of, "I'm horny" and starts writhing around on the bed grabbing herself. I don't know exactly what she was doing, but it was funny. The second video was a dance video. I actually don't want to talk too much about it because my performance was even more ridiculous than Monica's. There was a part while we were dancing to the song "RESPECT" and I smacked my ass several times. Lindsay's older sister showed her friends, the 8th graders, the video at a party and at lunch the next day they all approached me saying, "Nice moves" and then started smacking their butts. It was awful and crushing to my 5th grade self. It did not, however, stifle my passion for dance.
Boobies
I actually have many more memories including making Monica seduce an Austrailan man and her helping me use the bathroom the first time I ever was intoxicated. But for the finale I would like to share my most recent fond memory of Monica. When Lindsay and I drove out east recently, we stopped at Monica's parent's house, where Monica was watching their dog. This story will sound more racey than it actually was. Most women grow up and become comfortable changing clothes in front of other women. Not in a sexy way, but in a, "we all have the same parts and it is just more practical to strip in the locker room than cling to a hand towel to cover ourselves" kind of way. I have my own fears of being nude in front of women. When I was thirteen and needed to convert to Judiasm for my Bat Mitzvah I seriously considered not doing it because it required me getting naked in front of someone. I know Monica and Lindsay feel the same way about this. I have known these women for 16 years yet have never seen even a glimpse of their normally covered body parts and that is just not normal. Basically, we all flashed our goodies to each other in the pool. I can report that these ladies have very nice assests. We are better friends because of the experience. Though if Monica does in fact read this blog, I think she may kill me for sharing this. Oh yeah, then we ran around in panties having a pillow fight. Just like all women do.

Thief

There is a thief in my building. I first suspected this was the case several months ago when a package from amazon.com never arrived even though the tracking order said it was signed for. I assumed it was my landlady, but she isn't the type to steal. She said she never saw it and I believed her. It wasn't such a big deal because I spoke with the representatives at amazon and they quickly sent me a replacement order. I convinced myself the package just got lost and didn't think on it again. Then about a month ago a friend sent me a package. I was out of town when it arrived. When I got home from my trip, there was my package, sitting in the hallway ripped open. Thankfully all its contents were still there . The next day I received a message on my phone from Landlady which very nearly brought me to tears. The message said, " Jenny, this is Landlady. There is a package downstairs for you (not true because I had it in my possesion at the time of the message) and it has been sitting there for about 10 days (also not true as I was only out of town for 6 days and I know the package was sent only 4 days prior) . Well, it looks like someone got a little too goddamn nosey and opened it up. I don't know who it was who couldn't mind their own damn business, but you better come get it." Keep in mind, Landlady is about 70. She curses like a sailor and enjoys every minute of it. There was extreme emphasis on the "goddamn" of that message.
Back to the theft. Yesterday I walk into the elevator to find this note attached to the door. Apparently someone had stolen Landlady's package. There are several parts of this letter I would like to draw your attention to.
1. "...I hope you enjoy it knowing you are a cheap thief." Somehow I don't know that this letter is going to appeal to the thief's conscience, seeing as the thief steals 70 year old lady's medications.
2. " What you don't know is that someone was coming down the stairs. They can identify you." This is clearly not true. Once, in middle school, some friends and I got into a mud fight inside the school. Pretty much there was mud everywhere. We tried to clean it up but were unsuccessful. The next day the principal talked to all the students and said they know who it was and the punishment wouldn't be so harsh if we confessed. Of course we confessed and of course they really had no clue it had been us. If they'd known, they would have pulled us from class. This is the same tactic Landlady is using, though I doubt the thief is a 6th grader. And even still, there are no stairs by the location where the mail is left. Therefore, no one could have possibly seen who took the package while coming down the stairs. Plus, if Landlady knew, she certainly wouldn't be wasting her time writing a letter for the apartment building to read. It's just not her style.
3. "I will find out who you are and I will confront you." This sentence terrifies me. It almost makes me feel sorry for the thief. I love Landlady. We have come to a mutual understanding of one another and I've come to really enjoy her abrasiveness and forthright nature. However I wouldn't want to piss her off. I have seen her go off, and it ain't pretty. She is a tough old broad and while she looks frail, I am sure she would have no qualms about filling her purse with exploding rocks and then hit you with it, while with the other hand spray your face with flesh-eating bacteria laced mace. If she actually ever finds the thief, I fear for his life.
4. "Hopefully your luck with turn to crap." This is just funny.

So, hopefully the thief will return Landlady's package and the theft will stop. If not, I am certainly looking forward to more postings in the elevator.

**UPDATE**
I spoke with Landlady when I returned home today. The note was not in the elevator this morning, so I asked her if she got her package back. She said, "No, but it's proven now that the thief is in the building. They took the sign down." She has her suspicions as to who did it, but as I suggested, the part about someone witnessing this act was not true. I told her I hoped no more packages would be stolen and she said, "No. This was targeted at me. I have enemies in this building. I'll be honest with you, there are some people here that I treat like shit, but it's only because they treat me like shit first. " Oh, also, as I was leaving another tenant got in on the conversation. She asked what was in the package. Landlady got a sheepish grin on her face and said, "a cartoon of cigarettes from New York. They are way cheaper there than in Chicago." And here I thought she was really suffering without her medications.

In no particular order

Songs that make me smile no matter what:
1. It must be love- Madness
2. Float on- Modest Mouse
3. These boots are made for walking-Nancy Sinatra
4. Cotton-Eyed Joe- Rednex
5. Try a little tenderness- Otis Redding
6. Gasonlina- Daddy Yankee
7. Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash
8. I like to Move it- Sacha Baron Cohen version from "Madagascar"
9. Get up off of that thing -James Brown
10. Move your feet- Junior Senior
11. Miss you- Rolling Stones
12. What's up-4 Non Blondes



Songs that make me well up no matter what:
1. Wild Horses- Rolling Stones
2. Golden Brown-The Stranglers
3. How to disappear completely-Radiohead
4. I don't blame you- Cat Power
5. Lovely Day -Bill Withers
6. Interpol-untitled
7. Paper Tiger-Spoon
8. Try a little tenderness- Otis Redding
9. I know- Fiona Apple
10. Lay Lady Lay- Bob Dylan
11. Thank You-Led Zeppelin

Who needs good reviews when you've got Kate Winslet

I was reading the back cover of the movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and there were a few things that struck me as strange. First, I would like to say I thought this was a brilliant movie and if you haven't yet seen it, then get it on your Netflix queue immediately. So, usually they have quotes from different reviews saying how you MUST see this movie. Even movies like American Pie's Band Camp can pay someone enough money to say something nice about it. On the front of the jacket it says, "A Smart, Sexy, Seriously Funny Comedy!" In the synopsis is it says, "the best work Jim Carrey has ever done." Now these two quotes are pretty typical and expected. Then, in bold, there is this quote from Boston Herald. "Like footprints in the sand of a Montauk beach, no one leaves much of an impression." My first reaction is, 'Hmm, maybe this artist 'Montauk' makes beautiful paintings of footprints on beaches, and this is somehow like that in a good way.' Montauk is, however, a place with a beach and I imagine like all footprints at all beaches, they don't hang around long. So I read the BOLD FACE quote at the top from the New York Observer. "There is little charm in the coupling and almost no erotic intimacy, just a series of nerve-racking conversational collisions." Huh? Now, I'd like to say, I thought long and hard before commenting on this because my first assumption is, ' I'm the idiot, these both must be great reviews that are way over my head.' That might still be true. But after mulling it over a little bit, I really think these are bad reviews. Why would you put bad reviews on the back cover of your movie? I just don't understand, especially when it was actually a very good movie. Are they too good for good reviews? Are they trying to say, "We are SO good, we will sell this movie despite having bad reviews on the back." Then I thought, 'Maybe all movies do this. Maybe it is some sort of full disclosure thing so you know what you are getting.' But I checked the covers of Garden State, The Nightmare Before Christmas and Sleepless in Seattle and they all had only good reviews. I don't really get it, and if these are actually good reviews, I apologize for wasting your time. In fact, I might be so shamed if someone points out that these are good reviews that I might remove this post. But please, let me know what you think, and hopefully you will confirm my thoughts. Feel free to share your hypothesis on this strange marketing ploy.

Old Woman

I had a moment the other day where I crossed into the world of really being an adult. I was getting ice cream with a friend and I had to run to the cash machine. It was dark out and close to the 4th of July, so of course there were fireworks galore. I really don't like the 4th of July for that very reason. I love professional fireworks shows but I despise amateur shows. I don't see the point. The fireworks are never cool to look at and usually, someone gets hurt. So I was running back across the street to get my ice cream when I see these kids throw something into the street. It looked like a cigarette butt, but then I noticed them notice me and start yelling," get out of the way, get out of the way!" Then, the firecracker that they had just thrown into the street started shooting off in my direction. I sprinted across the street a collected myself. At this moment I thought,' I could just not say anything and be all, oh it's cool, no big deal, and be cool. Or, I could be an old woman about the situation.' I chose the old woman approach. I looked at the kids and yelled, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK TO THROW A FIRECRACKER IN THE STREET? SOMEONE COULD HAVE REALLY BEEN HURT!" They all took a step back as I got closer to them. I continued, " You guys are crazy! Why would you even think of lighting fireworks right here." If I had a cane, I would have waved it at them. Actually, the above account is much more articulate than I was, but the sentiment is the same. The problem was, I was legitamately scared and at a loss for words which is sign number 2 that you are a crotchety old woman. I went into the ice cream shop where my friend looked at me in horror and said, " Please tell me that wasn't you outside yelling." I responded with, " Those crazy kids. I don't know what they were thinking!" She said, " You realize you are officially old now." I didn't realize this was true until one of the kids sheepishly came inside the ice cream store, held his head low and said, " Ma'am, I'm sorry, we didn't see you crossing the street. It was an accident." " It's alright guys, " I said, " just be more careful next time." And that is how my transistion to adulthood was marked.
And here is a picture of me yelling like an old woman in Lindsay's ear.